April 18, 2015

Grief Is a Mother F@%&er

**note: just in case the title didn't clue you in... this post contains profanity and terribly woeful thoughts!

Death is an arsehole!
Yeah, yeah - the circle of life and all that jazz but when a loved one dies, that shit hurts likes a mother-fucker!  Unless of course, you're a cold-hearted bitch and then that crap just rolls off like water off a ducks back.

I'll be honest. I've been lucky enough to experience very little death related grief in my life.
Growing up in a country where you have no family and pretty much know nobody means you don't have a lot of strong bonds or relationships to people around you. It's not until you are older and put down roots and settle that those bonds form. And for me, that didn't happen until my late teens when I meet my then boyfriend (now husband of almost 20 years).

I've experience the loss of a well loved pet, which for some people can be just as strong as familial loss. And I've experienced the loss of family via my husband. Some of his losses have been bone shatteringly hard to deal with and I've felt that grief down deep. But the grief I've been dealing with these past two weeks has left me utterly... numb.

My Grandmother passed away almost two weeks ago.
She, along with the majority of my family live in the UK, I live in New Zealand.
I've been home to visit twice in the past 33 years. Not from a lack of want to go I can assure you, pure financial impossibility is what has kept me away! The last trip cost me fifteen grand and took me forever to pay back (hello bank loan hell). If I had it my way I'd make the trip back every couple of years!

But anyway, my Gran died on the morning of Easter Sunday.
Now up until I got the phone call, I hadn't really had any memories of spending Easter with my Gran. I do remember getting the odd card at Easter-time over the years, but the minute I got that call I had flashes of marzipan fruits, fruit cake, and those fuzzy little yellow chicks that all little kids like to play with! Whether I was remembering a different time or a different Grandparent I don't know but it just seemed fitting that she died on a celebration day... because she deserves to be celebrated.

So I fumbled my way through a relatively short conversation with my Uncle, passed along my condolences to him and my Aunt, and did all the things you do when you get shitty news.
And then I cried.
I cried for all the missed birthdays and Christmases, the family events, births, and weddings. And I cried for all the Sunday dinners that I missed out on. For all the marzipan fruits I never got to eat! I cried for the pain my Dad must be experiencing, and I cried for my kids.
I cried myself to sleep.

The next morning I rang my Dad, we cried together. I then had to break the news to my brother over the phone and so I cried some more!
My kids were amazing and made me breakfast in bed.
My hubby took me shopping, just so I could pull myself together and brave being in public (even with my hugely swollen and bloodshot eyes!) and I basically just tried keeping in all those damn tears!

I know there was a service for my Gran this past Wednesday, but other than that I've had no further contact from my relatives. No calls, txts, facebook messages. To be fair, I haven't contacted them either... out of preservation I've avoided calling. I just have a handle on my emotions now, I don't need to break apart again, I may not pick up all the fractured pieces this time!

I'm the strong one.
I'm a tough bitch.
I tackle shit head on and I'll be damned if I let it get to me!
I'm the problem solver, the fixer, the chick that has a solution for any problem, anytime...

What a fucking joke!
I'm a mask wearer.
You need me to be strong - here's my strong mask!
You need me to help with a problem - here's my problem solver mask!
You need someone in your corner, need me to front for you - here's my tough, take no shit mask, just for you!

I feel as brittle and as delicate as spun glass most of the time - not that anyone sees that - and I'll be buggered if I let them!
I'm my own worst enemy, a people pleaser.
But it's not like I can stop now, fuck - my whole goddamn life might just fall apart if I do!

So I keep it all in.

I've neglected my kids and husband. Ignored my facebook messages. Left emails unopened and unanswered. And I haven't blogged, reviewed or promoted anything I've signed up for... I'm numb. Lifeless. Joyless. Depressed.

Is this my cry for help - shit no!
This is just my place to vent. To have a rant. My little slice of suck-it-the-fuck-up therapy!

Then why post it publicly - fucked if I know!
I'm just getting it off my chest and saying 'fuck you death!'

Fuck you in the ass - hard!
You suck great big balls and I'm done feeling like crap about it!
I need to shake you loose and move on - face to the sky and onward bitch!

My Gran may not have agreed with the words I use, but she sure as hell would agree with the sentiment!

So farewell, dearest Gran - you're back in the arms of your loved ones - with Granddad... and forever in my heart, my thoughts, and in the smiles and laughter of my daughters. You are already so sadly missed but by Christ, you'll never be forgotten!

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